James 5:16
2:30 AM
Brothers,There's a passage in Ephesians 4 I just read that talks about infants that are tossed back and forth by waves and blown around by every wind... I feel like that.
The Outside Cost:
These past 3 months in Asia have been my most difficult yet. Leaders around me have said it's normal, just "transition." I know transition and the awkwardness it brings of not knowing where my home is. I've felt that before. I know struggle to adapt to a new place all the while knowing that I'm being affected and changed by the culture around me.
Having a child born here has been hard. He is well taken care of, but where are his grandparents? Will he ever know who they are? Will they ever know how him?
My wife is alone. The only company she gets is our helper hired for a few bucks an hour twice a week, and she can't even communicate with her. I venture unwelcome to the lost university students during the day and come back home to find her where I left her, caring for my son... Alone.
Our landlord seems to have decided recently that he wants to sell our apartment. This means we will probably get kicked out of our 1 year lease on his place if it sells. Several people have come by lately wanting a showing.
The streets are not lined with gold on the mission field brothers. The struggle is real and it hurts badly. I know Jesus is worth it and I have no intention of quitting. But, I feel like I will go to my death tomorrow for the sake of the gospel. Just like I did yesterday and the day before that.
The Inside Cost:
My desires, intentions, goals, comforts, and name have died in coming here again. This isn't necessarily a bad thing but the pruning of the selfishness, self-love, pride, and self-trust hurts. I really wish this sanctification process could feel better right now.
I look at myself and look at the kind of man that I want to be, and evaluate the kind of man I am and I wonder if this abyss will ever be bridged. I still mostly love my name more than Jesus' name. I still don't worship him in a way that he deserves. I still try to earn his love one QT, one Gospel Presentation, one act of kindness at a time.
I believe he is changing me. In fact in the past 8 years of walking with him, I've seen the change. Perhaps you have too. But it's hard to find joy in that while day by day I keep seeing how awful my sin problem really is.
I've complained about and criticized my leaders and fellow brothers and sisters in ways that make me want to throw up.
I truly need Jesus more than anyone I know.
Pray for me.
I know that my thoughts here have errors, but I want to be healed from the poison that is somehow still in me.
In Love,
